Memo, RE: The Influence of Societal Norms on the Sex Attraction to the Oryctolagus Cuniculus
This account is part of a longitudinal study on the fuckability of rabbits. My first motion in this project was to navigate the sex appeal of rabbits through the eyes of the genus lepus (wild hare). Rabbits, first off, are not the same as the wild hare.
I met a hare who acted as my first and only subject to disclose his disdain for rabbits. I met the hare at a jam band concert. He stood tall on his haunches, fur the color of woven hay lining up his back and up his ears.
“Too spry,” he said when asked why he didn’t prefer rabbits as his mating partner, nodding his head to the vacuous drum beat. “No challenge when we’re at the same pace.”
FULL DISCLOSURE: Though attempts were made, I did not fuck the hare after that jam band concert. For scientific purposes, I’ll disclose the events of the evening:
The hare brought me back to his place after disclosing his zodiac sign: Taurus
the sign of a provider. He made me tea and offered several kinds of cookies after we
smoked a joint. We talked about our problems with dating. My problem, obviously:
my keen interest in bunnies. The hare didn’t like that I used that word (“bunnies”) and
confessed he’d only ever been with one rabbit, but it wasn’t his speed (literally—her
hops were lacking in velocity). He said I reminded him of his mother. A fondness
glimmered in his eye when he noticed I eagerly reached for the blueberries on his
coffee table. Blueberries were his mother’s favorite. Hares can eat blueberries, but
sparingly, and he enjoyed my ability to eat them with no consequence. My questions
regarding his lack of attraction to rabbits somehow… piqued… his interest. At one
point during the interview, the hare jumped quickly in a far leap over to me,
proposing the night turn to “humping.” Humping is the scientific term for sexual
intercourse with or among leporids (the family of which rabbits and hares are part of).
Anything that jumps, really, can get to humping.
Unfortunately, due to my not being a species in the leporid family and
dysfunctional in the action of leaping, the hare and I did not progress to humping.
We did exchange numbers for further questions regarding the study, and he said if I
ever took up leaping, he might be able to give procreation a go. In terms of my
study, I noticed he never explicitly mentioned rabbits during the procreation
discussion. Did the thought never cross his mind? My intention was to gauge his
opinions on rabbits specifically. Were they too short for him? Too fuzzy? Uninterested
in hares?
I intended to use these to formulate my research question moving forward, instead of the generally broad: are rabbits fuckable? Of course they’re fuckable. They’re tiny with big eyes and soft fur and they hop so good. The hare never mentioned hopping, the dainty superior to jumping or leaping.
With the acceptance that rabbits are indeed generally fuckable, I wondered if my hare was a liar or an outlier in his repulsion of rabbits as mates. Did he ever find a rabbit lovable? Did he lie about not fucking rabbits? Did my hare actually wish I was a rabbit? Did he wish I could hop gently and quickly and quietly?
RE: Memo, RE: The Influence of Societal Norms on the Sex Attraction to the Oryctolagus Cuniculus
The night of the jam band concert, the hare said I reminded him of his mother. His mother, I realized after-the-fact while ruminating on the memories of him and his apartment, was a rabbit! There were pictures of her all over the walls. Posed in front of a blueberry farm with her husband, a hare. When I contacted my hare for further questioning, perhaps indicating that he did not date rabbits because of some internal self-loathing, I was left with the response of a full voicemail box. I intended to change my project around this new information. A possible connection existed between species identity and mating habits. But then I thought of why he didn’t fuck me. I’m not a rabbit. I’m not even a hare. I nodded along to the jam band music. I laughed when the hare made a Grateful Dead reference. I pretended to enjoy the braid of fur he donned at the nape of his neck, I-
RE: RE: Memo, RE: The Influence of Societal Norms on the Sex Attraction to the Oryctolagus Cuniculus
Unable to separate myself from the study, I ventured more and more into my internal psyche. Perhaps the reason I cared so much about the humping habits of rabbits was that I myself wanted to be one. I considered whether I should learn to leap so the hare would fuck me (for the study). Or if the only way to leap was if I became a rabbit. But then I considered that if I were a rabbit, the hare still would never love me.
Alas, I forfeited the study and my prior research for personal reasons and moved onto an entirely new thesis:
Slow and Steady Wins the Race: The Persistency of Tortoises in Prolonged Same-Species Courtship
Comments